{reminder – many of these are just jokes from a long time ago, but so is everything}

I’m from New York. That doesn’t automatically make me better than you, but it could.

Maybe I’m an asshole. The shrink I started seeing says that’s okay.

That’s how our first therapy session started, anyway.

“I don’t want to be an asshole anymore.” He responded with,

“What if you just were an asshole?”   Said Goddam Said Goddam. 

 Follow Through -is what we’re working on right now. He and I.

This sort of thing is usually developed at an early age, nurtured by the family.

How about family. Who here loves their family? Aw that’s nice. I imagine it should be swell to call up Mom and Dad and be like, Hey this and that happened. Yea, what do you think about that? Do you think I should do this?

Right…

I’d be better off asking the kids selling famous amos cookies on the 2 train for advice. They’ve got more follow through than my parents. Seriously, why doesn’t Costco sponsor these kids? We could have such a better selection if we got that partnership going.

My parents wouldn’t know where to begin if they had to demonstrate follow through. 

They got me kicked out of elementary school. My own parents. 

We were using my Aunt’s address. We were out of district, see BUT this was the best school, see. Mom’s always have to have the best for their children, and why the fuck not?

But then my Aunt moved. Not like had a fire and the house burned down- moved.. No it was not sudden like that at all. It must have taken a good couple of months to process the sale of her home alone, but messy was my Parent’s way. If it’s not about them, it’s hardly important. Even having the best school -was just so that they could talk about it as a reflection of their choices. Also, the both of them were equally skilled at putting things off until…. well what was it again they were doing?…. AND slip, just like that it was out of their minds. Delusional, sure. Both of them, Pisces. Dream-like beings that have no idea about consequences as they could always beat the system.

No one would notice…. right.. well my sister and I noticed.  I had one fucking year left. One. They could have had the mail-forwarded for a year. But, no. I was ripped right out of the classroom and made to wait in the principal’s office for the hour or so it took to get my working-parents to retrieve their out-of-district-alien children.

I mean what on earth could have been the requirements for a PO box in 1994. 

Problem-solving in addition to follow through. But, that was then and forever ago. I can’t hold their stupidity against them.. I can’t even hold their stupidity.

A note to all of you: No one can save you from your family. Follow- through to a new you and save yourself. 

Anyway, back to dating. You are perfect and whole just by your damn self.. but if in the event you find a temporary attachment…Ya know, when you start sleeping (on-purpose) with the person you’ve been shtupping.

And you find out that this person doesn’t truly understand what is meant by “sleeping.” 

They who want to wrap their entire body over yours.

Or sleep on top of you, or with you on top of them.

It is at this point that I go over the rules of engagement for the overnight. 

“After I say goodnight you don’t touch me.”

Sleep. Why do you need to touch me while you are sleeping? Sleep is way more important than love. 

Let me help you visualize my message. People hardly get offended with slideshows.

Slide 1. If I don’t sleep, I’m not a good person. (P implies Q)

Slide 2. The end. 

Seriously, how are we ever going to get along if you want to grope me while I’m sleeping. Get real. I didn’t always know I was gonna be single forever but it was this next detail that made me understand just how severe my situation is.

I was talking with Nicole. You don’t know Nicole. I don’t even know Nicole.. Yet, here she was telling me how tired she was because she didn’t get much sleep… I asked her why, just to be nice. And, that was when she described her clingy husband’s sleeping habits. 

Me, the graceful dame that I am, just lowered my headband of hair and said “Why didn’t you just push him off of you?”

Nicole, timeless beauty said, “…But, he’s my husband.” 

Thanks for the clarity, Nicole. 

January 30, 2020
Categories: Uncategorized . Tags: 2 train, 2 train snacks, absent minded parents, adulting, affection, anger management, asshole, bad family, be solo, being an asshole, clingy sleeping habits, consquences, costco kids, costco snacks on 2 train, costco snacks on the train, dating to save you from your family, delusional parents, don't touch me while i'm sleeping, dreamy, elementary school, family, family trauma, famous amos cookies, first therapy session, follow through, from new york city, getting to know your therapist, graceful dame, having the best for your children, hierarchical thinking, horrible families, how to sleep with someone, illegal children, illegally attending school, it's okay to be an asshole, kicked out of elementary school, kicked out of school, kids selling cookies on the train, kids who sell snacks on train, leave your family, mail forwarding, mom and dad, moms have to have the best, narcissistic father, narcissistic mother, narcissistic parents, nature, nature vs nurture, neglect, new york, nicole, no one can save you from your family, no touch during sleep, nurture, out of district, out of school district, p implies q, parents got me kicked out of school, parents want the best for their children, perfect and whole, perfect and whole and solo, pisces parents, po box, principals office, problem solving, shared trauma, shrink, shtupping, single, single forever, sister, sisters, sleep is more important than love, sleeping alone by choice, sleeping habits, sleeping with lovers, slideshows, subway snacks, temporary attachment, therapy, timeless beauty, using another mailing address . Author: tiffanylfuentes . Comments: Leave a comment