Enjoy yourself, to yourself.

So my office building has two elevators. You know what they do, {they: the others that work here} take both up. Packs of idiots at normal rushing times, like clocking-in time, after midday coffee time, and post lunch time – they get into the two empty elevators and then take two elevators up at the same time, why you ask?

Just because they don’t want to be crowded. Welcome to NYC. We are a civilized building though. We form a line outside the elevators but yesterday this woman cuts the line and gets in first from the back of the line, just to press 2.

I pulled the pretenders out of my ears and said, “You blast through everyone on line to be the first one in the elevator so you can go to the second floor, all that for one flight?”

“Sorry I’m in a huge rush,” she responds.

“Not my fucking problem. You didn’t see a line for the stairs did you?”

But I get it – Social cues are hard. Getting over yourself is harder. People are so fucking righteous.

If we’re in a public space and I’m willing to kill my headphone battery so that I don’t have to hear the sound of our voice or anything you’re saying, that means you’ve already received two servings of my shut-the-fuck-up face, and I’m just not sure what you’re missing, or how. I have the read receipts.


The original read receipt. You looked at me and saw I was already looking at you and then I rolled my eyes. Is there a pill for that level of confidence that you have. The rest of us could or would be so inclined. How many do you have on you right now? We need this. We need to catch up.

For Fucks Sake, talking is not the same as having something to say.

Can we just discuss the art of silence, for a moment. Brief of course.

Whether it’s rock climbing, whiskey, your last bowel movement. Whatever the case may be, I don’t give a flying fuck about how much you love it. No one really does. What’s important is that you love it. All of it.

We are all climbing some rock. We are all just scratching at the surface of living and even this feels like it’s slipping away sometimes. You have the permission to totally and unapologetically enjoy yourself TO YOURSELF. So do it.

4/5/6 – Green line, any time of day.

Call me mean but why doesn’t everyone love brushing their teeth?

Like what ideas do you have to have about teeth that you think they don’t deserve to be brushed? You think you can just live and not brush your teeth? No. That’s fucking gross.

If you’re an adult and I have to tell you to blow your nose.                  Don’t make me tell you to blow your nose. Why would you do this?          It is mortifying for both of us. Fuck.

I’ll usually just hand off a box of tissues, but sometimes they say no. They shake me off, like they’re ok. You are not ok. You are dead behind the eyes and need me to tell you to do this very simple thing. I’ll do it. I will be the one to show you the way, and when I do.

You do not make me say it twice. Also, you’re doing life wrong. All of it, all wrong.

How do I live my best life – insulting everyone around me. The homeless, the depraved, the talented, the filthy. The guy holding his calculator staring at it like it’s his phone. Fucking casio, people. That’s real life screen addition. I know I’m a total asshole, but I took eight photos of this guy. Holding his calculator. I imagined him writing boobless because that seemed harmless at first, but no it didn’t end there. He kept checking it every ten seconds… and I improvised his internal dialogue:

“What’d she say?” “What’d she say?”

Even staring at it for some time. “Fuck..She blocked me.”

Look, I’m not proud. But it’s because I am at this lower than low. I can be honest with you, right? It doesn’t get much worse than this so I feel I have a responsibility to be honest with you – a guiding glow if you will, the light at the end of the tunnel you don’t have to go down.

Just when you’re ready to be the worst person you can think of, I show up and say in a soft whisper, “Are you sure?”

“Are you sure you want to hit this old man in the train because he hit your backpack?”

“No. Good. Shut the fuck up. Sit down like the rest of us. No one actually wants to be on the train, so get the fuck over yourself.”