Ridicule is in Ridiculous

How do I live my best life? I lift every day. Heavy things. As heavy as possible. That means inside and outside… dumbbells, kettlebells, my own leg as much as I can to get it behind my shoulder…. as well as the emotional gunk and psychological junk that blocks the free flowing form that is me…Or else I’m a liability. That is how I get through it all.

I was taking a shower this morning at the gym. Moving super fast. Octopus arms.. I had about eight minutes to get ready from wet gym-clothes off to jacket on and walking up the stairs.

I spit in the shower. Like a back-of-the-throat-sound spit. It wasn’t a disgusting nose-clearing spit, just a little excess saliva from high intensity exercise.

And I hear, “Oh My God.” I shook it off. I was near positive that it wasn’t for me. I continue.

Soap is in my hand now, I’m lathering and I spit again and hear her talking like in full sentences.. I couldn’t make out what she said, and even though she started the moment I spit, I was sure she was talking on her phone, or having issues of her own.

I mean this is her world too.. 

Maybe she forgot her conditioner. Honest mistake. I rinse.

It’s almost getting out time now, and as usual. The steam mixed with chlorine had done it’s magic: I blow a snot rocket.

Only to hear a very aggressive, “Are you kidding me?”

Ok. This is my shower. Also, you can’t see me. I’m behind a curtain. 

Your water doesn’t touch mine, we are not at the sink side-by-side. 

She doesn’t fucking know me. 

What I’ve been through. The ridicule I’ve seen.

I used to have one fucking eyebrow. OK.

Just a fallen headband of hair, right here across my forehead. I can’t even grow it back if I tried. 

That’s how many years I have been plucking, waxing, carving out my existence in this world.

Time, I’ll never get back, Never! And all the better, as I have given my life shape.

Those hairs don’t even grow anymore. I won.

So take a fucking hint, lady. You obviously don’t know the efficiency of a snot rocket.

Trying to make me feel bad. I’m 35 – without husband, no children, not a mortgage in sight…. But you know what I have.. I’ve already got a facebook account to make me self-conscious about those details, so you’ve got no shot, lady.

Also, what is wrong with people who get grossed out by humanisms. 

These people are really crazy like truly out-of-this-world crazy. 

People who say such things like “I hate feet.”

You hate feet. Those feet carry you and your bullshit around all goddam day.

What do you think of your asshole? Or my asshole? Your mouth? And teeth?

We are all disgusting – but worse than any humanism is repression.

Tea Talk

My tea told me:

“It’s not the LIFE you have but the COURAGE you bring to it.”

The other day, not an extraordinary day, I was driving with an infinite sadness sitting shotgun. An infinity of irreparable and inevitable concerns stared at me and controlled my imagination, begging me to find ways to die in hopes for an effortless victory over me in my pending defeat.

But I changed fate. And it’s not like, I am so strong. I beat depression. Yea right. This isn’t the sort of thing you can come at aggressively, or with certainty of any kind.

I mean it. No matter what.

I even I heard myself say, “I just want to die.”

Even when that happens, no amount of muscle will do. And it happened just like that, in my voice making my face quiver and then ended. I didn’t have any part in it, but I feel like I mouthed it and won’t ever know if I did.

Psychology turns on a dime, those that think and discuss it, but also our own individual psyche, and while these changes are completely natural, they aren’t happening in ways that tsunamis, twisters and other disasters occur.

I thought of all the ways that my life is different now than it has been. How most things have just worked out so smoothly. And one decision led to another, bringing about great coincidences, and the whole thing seems like a grand concerted effort, but it isn’t. Luck and adaptability certainly play their part, but it takes courage to not give into habits and behavioral patterns that should be avoided.

So bring some COURAGE to your table now and forever. Drink Yogi Tea