Speaking of Dating

I’m dating. Trying. To. Date.

I don’t even know how to fucking text message. How do people do this – and by this I mean wait for a response. I mean no one has prepped me. How does one prepare for this? Is there a number I can call for between-text-message anxiety?

AND FOR FUCKS SAKE How many hours can go by for this to still be considered a conversation?

But whatever, I started dating, via App.

Just one: Bumble. Do you know what this should be renamed?

Close encounters of the neurotic man.

Where the hell do these people come from? How do they live day to day? I just wanna give a shout out to two special groups.

  1. The Stand-Out-Steve, balancing ham on his face in his profile photo. I have seen more than one man, if we can call him that, with food on his face – on purpose. Awesome.

  2. Then, the way-too-many to count: Steve(s)-In-A-Sombrero. You wanted me to see that photo, really? Why?

Look I love Mexican food just as much as the next person, and I understand when it beckons you’re not always in a neighborhood you know, or maybe someone else chose the place, and let’s say by some stroke of bad luck, timing in life, and string of strange events that surround your birthday, you get shitty. You don’t even recall getting that shitty –  They maaaaade you. I know someone else put it on you. But if ALL these things happen and someone takes a picture. Your only next move is to kill that picture. You do not put it on your dating profile. 

No, I’m not a fucking racist, Steve. This has nothing to do with Mexicans.

Recently, I got an email from Bumble about Race and Equality —

You know what I say to that. I can date whomever the fuck I want without it offending you. I don’t ever want to think about a swipe to the left with a question like, “Was that fair?” “Was that racist of me?”


Y’all love that expression too, “Fair Enough.” Do you even know what you’re saying? Teachable Moment:

Fair as in just. Like justice. Just enough for what? For whom? From whose vantage point are we seeking or facing justice? It’s ok, I know you can’t answer any of these. 

So, maybe your version of “Fair Enough” means to use fair as an adjective where it suggests something is good. So, then good enough?…. Good Enough what? LIKE WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING?

Someone says something to you and your response is, GOOD ENOUGH. FUCK YOU!


Fucking zombies. Ya know who doesn’t get laid, zombies, that’s who.

For my dear friend who was wondering (for another friend) what the pathway was back to virginity. I hope this helps.